Улыбнитесь...
Jun. 3rd, 2004 10:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zalephПоводы для всего остального Вы с лихвой найдёте даже не включая компьютер.
Why God never received a PhD
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry He tried to cover it by droning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told the student to read the book.
13. Some say He had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of His students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
And here comes the one I like the most:
18. Who could examine Him?
Lessons of Life
LESSON 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the
doorbell,
the wife gives up,
quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door,
there stands Bob the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word,
Bob says,
"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment,
the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds,
Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
Confused,
but excited about her good fortune,
she wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom,
her husband asks from the shower,
"Who was that?"
She replies,
"It was Bob the next door neighbor."
"Great!" the husband says,
"Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stockholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
LESSON 2
A priest, driving along,
saw a nun on the side of the road.
He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted.
She got in the car and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and had a near accident.
After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
Changing gears,
he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said,
"Father remember Psalm 129?"
One again the priest apologized,
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent,
the nun got out,
gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church,
the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It said,
"Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
LESSON 3
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered,
"Sure, why not."
So,
the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
LESSON 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull,
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't the energy."
"Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung
and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.
The next day,
after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night,
there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot the turkey out of the
tree.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
LESSON 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound,
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
promptly dug him out and ate him.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and when you are in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Why God never received a PhD
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry He tried to cover it by droning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told the student to read the book.
13. Some say He had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of His students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
And here comes the one I like the most:
18. Who could examine Him?
Lessons of Life
LESSON 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the
doorbell,
the wife gives up,
quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door,
there stands Bob the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word,
Bob says,
"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment,
the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds,
Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
Confused,
but excited about her good fortune,
she wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom,
her husband asks from the shower,
"Who was that?"
She replies,
"It was Bob the next door neighbor."
"Great!" the husband says,
"Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stockholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
LESSON 2
A priest, driving along,
saw a nun on the side of the road.
He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted.
She got in the car and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and had a near accident.
After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
Changing gears,
he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said,
"Father remember Psalm 129?"
One again the priest apologized,
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent,
the nun got out,
gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church,
the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It said,
"Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
LESSON 3
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered,
"Sure, why not."
So,
the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
LESSON 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull,
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't the energy."
"Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung
and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.
The next day,
after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night,
there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot the turkey out of the
tree.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
LESSON 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound,
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
promptly dug him out and ate him.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and when you are in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: И я тоже?.. :)
Date: 2004-06-03 11:36 am (UTC)Re: И я тоже?.. :)
Date: 2004-06-03 11:40 am (UTC)я их все (плюус те, что мы на другом форуме насобирали. сотни) в своём журнале опубликую, и поставлю запись сверху. туда и будем добавлять по мере поступления.
Re: И я тоже?.. :)
Date: 2004-06-03 12:10 pm (UTC)Re: И я тоже?.. :)
Date: 2004-06-03 12:12 pm (UTC)Re: И я тоже?.. :)
Date: 2004-06-03 12:16 pm (UTC)Re: И я тоже?.. :)
Date: 2004-06-03 12:15 pm (UTC)draft before The Final Masterpiece.
Если вот это, то увидим.
Friendship is a route, not a destination.
А если вот это - да, Вы правы, безнадёжно... :)
Интересно, какое же? (Вы ведь ожидали этого вопроса?..)
Re: И я тоже?.. :)
Date: 2004-06-03 12:18 pm (UTC)http://www.livejournal.com/users/_doublev_/2074.html
Re: И я тоже?.. :)
Date: 2004-06-03 12:22 pm (UTC)Re: И я тоже?.. :)
Дя-дя-дя...
Вот вам оно, понимание тяжелой дольки мужицкой:
Ну а в ответ на вопрос - не-а, не феминисьтка я... Просто женщина. Это серьезнее. И вообще-то неизличимо... :)
Re: И я тоже?.. :)
Date: 2004-06-04 10:30 am (UTC)а вообще - ну какая из меня феминистка? "хохотушка" - очень даже. но феминистка??? нетушки! ;-))) просто "женщина" - это фатальный диагноз. ;-0 не лечится. ;-)
вот вам:
10 reasons God created Eve and alternates (альтернативы моими интернет приятелями были составлены)
====================================
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
Alternate: God needed to test Adam's capacity for devotion by giving him someone who would require him to run into the supermarket and buy tampons.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
Alternate: ...which wouldn't be necessary if Eve would just leave the channel set to ESN (Eden Sports Network) where God intended it to remain.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
Alternate: God knew Adam needed someone to drag him around for three days to try on every fig leaf in Eden, only for Eve to decide upon the one they first saw.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's, or haircut appointment by himself.
Alternate: God became horrified at Adam's lack of compulsion to micromanage his own time.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
Alternate: God decided to bestow Adam with additional physical and mental stamina incurred by unnecessary trips to the curb, due to Eve refusing to collapse boxes and milk cartons before putting them in the trash.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
Alternate: Okay. Eve can have that one.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
Alternate: God wanted to inspire Adam's capacity for creative thought by never knowing where Eve would move one of his tools to next (usually to a handy drawer rather than the toolbox God created, and never the same drawer twice).
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
Alternate: God understood how Adam needed a place of refuge because God failed to grant him the ability to remember 1 in 365 days, 1/3 of which were used looking for appropriate fig leaves.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
Alternate: God needed someone to selectively misquote the Bible.
And, finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve....
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
Alternate: "You don't need no stinking extra rib!"