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Why God never received a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt He wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry He tried to cover it by droning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told the student to read the book.
13. Some say He had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of His students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
And here comes the one I like the most:
18. Who could examine Him?

Lessons of Life

LESSON 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the
doorbell,
the wife gives up,
quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door,
there stands Bob the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word,
Bob says,
"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment,
the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds,
Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
Confused,
but excited about her good fortune,
she wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom,
her husband asks from the shower,
"Who was that?"
She replies,
"It was Bob the next door neighbor."
"Great!" the husband says,
"Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stockholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

LESSON 2

A priest, driving along,
saw a nun on the side of the road.
He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted.
She got in the car and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and had a near accident.
After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
Changing gears,
he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said,
"Father remember Psalm 129?"
One again the priest apologized,
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent,
the nun got out,
gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church,
the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It said,
"Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

LESSON 3

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered,
"Sure, why not."
So,
the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

LESSON 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull,
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't the energy."
"Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung
and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.
The next day,
after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night,
there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot the turkey out of the
tree.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

LESSON 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound,
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
promptly dug him out and ate him.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and when you are in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!